Tuesday, May 18, 2010

My In-Laws are a great source.....

....of anger for me!

I find them disrespectful, rude, know it alls. They give babies meds that should be only for adults. They all smoke with no air circulation and they have hardly any carpet in their home. I am talking about 4+ people smoking all at the same time. There is no central AC or heat in their home.They don't mop or sweep often. 

My MIL, SIL, and BIL live next store to my AIL, UIL, CIL and his daughter. My MIL lives in a trailer that she has received notice from the city about. My AIL live in a house.

When they had dogs they would let them pee and poop on the floor and maybe clean it up when they saw it.

My aunt in law told me that I never had a miscarriage because I wasn't in a lot of pain when it happened. My aunt in law would rather scream no and hit a child with a fly swatter instead of child proofing their home.

My uncle in law has been verbally and physically abusive towards David. He has also told me that my house is too clean and that is why Ryan used to get sick a lot. 

When they want money, they call us!

My MIL always comments on how dirty my house is when David is not home, but says nothing while he is home. My MIL has been known for either not buckling kids into their care seats or not buckling the car seat into the car and not really caring. My MIL tries to feed Ryan food he is allergic to. I gave my MIL a car and she ran a red light and destroyed it. I paid 2/3 of the price of her last car and she ran it into the ground. My MIL doesn't think buying a car seat from a garage sale is dangerous.My MIL thinks I am protective of Ryan since I won't let him go anywhere alone with her or spend the night with her alone. My MIL smokes in bed and falls asleep. There is burn holes in her bedding and carpet around her bed. My MIL's on and off again boyfriend is a druggie and drinks a lot. He has been physically and verbally abusive towards her.My MIL has had 2 failed marriages and comments on my marriage about 5 times a year. She usually tells me she is not sure how it works or what David sees in me.My MIL has gone to countless doctor appts for Ryan and heard what the doctor says about smoking and allergies and then tells me the doctors are wrong. I have Ryan calling MIL, Oma. It means Granny in German. My MIL has turned around and started having her great nephew and niece calling her Oma. I find that disrespectful since she is not their granny. Ryan is currently her only grandchild.

Recently, my MIL was insulted that she won't be in the delivery room when Liam is born. She also told me that I make it hard for poor people to buy any baby gifts because I want BPA free bottles. Ryan had reflux and allergies as a baby, so we used Dr. Brown bottles. They are not cheap. I won't buy a car seat from a garage sale, so I am snobby.

My SIL is 17yo and uses her cell phone at the dinner table. She is failing 2 classes in school and doesn't think she needs to do homework. She is too tired from school to do it. My SIL has a boyfriend who is 18yo and dropped out of high school. He had a job, but quit it before they fired him for showing up late. SIL wants to join the military in July 2011, but she needs to lose about 100 pounds and graduate high school first.

I am at a loss when it comes to all of this. They act like they are normal and I am the stupid one. I want to move away, but my husband wants to stay.

David says that when he comes home for good, we won't be around his family. David says he is coming home for good in Feb. 2011, but I have heard that before. David calls his mother a bitch constantly. David and I bought a house in November 2006 and he really hasn't had a chance to live in it and he wants to. The economy sucks everywhere and leaving here might not be the best move. I am trying to figure out if our mental state is worth all this.

I am no where close to perfect and I have made mistakes, but my in-laws stress me out a lot. I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks in 1997 and it took almost 10 years to get pregnant with Ryan. Ryan is my miracle and I don't want to chance his health to people who think they know better. They make me cry and talk to complete strangers about me and not being able to have Ryan overnight.

I want Ryan to have a good relationship with his grandmother. My parents are deceased. I don't drive because I am afraid to and have a depth perception problem.

Any ideas on what I can do?


  1. Sounds like David has the same thing my husband Daniel does; I always tell Daniel that it's a miracle he made it out alive. lol Daniel's family is a lot like this in some ways, and Daniel is, for some reason, unrepentant in his deep, intense need to be near them. He likes to say that he loves them even when he doesn't like them very much. He'll complain about things they do and turn around and not say or do anything when the same situation returns. It was a major victory when he first told off his stepmom for constantly badgering me about my weight. And don't get me started on the smoking, or the ridiculous privacy issues, or the way they stigmatize me as an overprotective mother.

    Unfortunately, there is no magic bullet for this. You adore your husband, your husband adores you. You have amazing problems with these people being completely disrespectful of you and your wishes. I think you are already doing what you can about some things, i.e., keeping your distance in certain things and standing your ground on important issues like the overnight stays. And I promise that you can translate all those wishes for you to "not last" as a couple can translate into their being mad that you are reducing their control on David as a "dutiful" family member. It seems to me that, for families like this, the only law that is not allowed to be broken is for someone to buck the family line. Your husband is doing that, to some extent.

    Frankly, I think your health and the health of your family would greatly benefit from some distance. These situations described show a complete lack of respect, so I don't see any indication of that changing. And while in an ideal world it would be wonderful for Ryan to be close to his grandparents, one must weigh that against any potential damage caused by the relationship.

    I hope I haven't gone overboard in this; reading this was a struggle for me, as it reflects so many of the problems I have with my husband's family. I wish I could convince him that we need to move away, but I know it's not going to happen. At least he supports me in keeping space between us all.

  2. just discovered your blog sounds like your inlaws have really gone downhill since i knew them. i'm sorry to hear of all the troubles they are giving you. i'm glad you are doing well. in a few months i'll be moving to florida and stay with my mom for now. i have hade to take disability retirement and socialsecurity disability.
    can't wait to get to warm weather. i hope you and david do well and i'm sure you can withstand all obstacles. best of luck .
    your father in law david